I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
