Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
