Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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