The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
