...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
