so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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