i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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