I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
