so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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