Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
