I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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