She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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