We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
