if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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