sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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