chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
