so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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