I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Mom said you looked used
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
