i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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