wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
