I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
