Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
