Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Need sex. Gaining weight.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
