Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
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You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
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Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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