the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wish I only lived at night.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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