we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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