I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have tasted many bathrooms
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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