Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
