I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize