Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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