Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
