I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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