I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
