There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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