I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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