dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
