he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
