You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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