Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
