you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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