It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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