Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
