apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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