I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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