I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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