you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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