Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
