I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
