hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
