Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
