Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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