he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
