You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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