Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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