Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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